So a form of therapy for me is writing. So someone suggested blogging to get me thru a slump in my life. Ive tried this before and failed, well...more like gave up. So here I am once again giving it a go. Who is going to read it? Dont know. Who will like it? Dont know. Who is going to critique it? Dont know. Who is going to comment? Dont know....nor DO I GIVE A SHIT. No offense but im here for selfish reasons, nothing other than using this blog as therapy for me. HOWEVER, im really not sure where the hell to start. I guess im suppose to just write.....
I will start with things that are bothering me, things that i am analyzing, things that i am worried about, things that feel like they are pulling me in 100 different directions. FOREWARNING, i tend to rant more than anything but i guess thats the therapy behind it. i will start with a list of crap and then get side tracked with going into a detailed story about one of the things on my list.
I am a co-owner of a preschool that after this school year ends I am sad to say I will have to dissolve my portion of the ownership. I am a sleep technician/secretary for a sleep lab that seems to be going down hill fast. I am a single mom of an 18 year old boy, who keeps me going every day. I am one of 3 daughters to my parents, a sister, a friend, and a girlfriend....blah ba blah ba blah. Since my husband and I have split he has become someone I never thought he'd be. He illegally dropped my health insurance that he didnt have to pay any extra for thru his employment, he has changed the name of the primary payer on several bills from his name to mine and refused to pay them. Its over a year later and Im just finding this out now! He neglected to be the proper dad and when my son decided to continue living with him to stay closer to his friends and in the same school district, he allowed him to come and go as he pleased and never set a curfew on school nights. They eventually had a physical altercation and I had my son come live with me. Since then he stopped paying child support, quit his job and moved out of the state. Because he left his job he lost his health insurance, which for me is one thing but for his son is quite another. He left a shit load of a mess for me to clean and still chooses to be a crappy dad. but whatever, because Im kinda at fault here. I should have gone to family court and started the process of either a legal separation or better yet a divorce. The only thing slowing me down is that I am so damn broke that I cannot afford to pay the legal fees to do this, and of course he didnt want to split up to begin with so he wont pay. ok he so in the past i have moved on and just want to deal with life as it comes at me so enough of the ex.
my current issue is probably one that most people face right now. i am financially drowning! i was never in a situation where i had to be responsible for my finances and now find myself lost. I am horrible at managing my finances! i will be the first to admit it too. Of course it doesnt help that the money going out is more than the money coming in so im always robbing from peter to pay paul. "save money for the future" people tell me. Ha Ha Ha! How do you save if you cant even keep up with whats currently due??? Its as simple as ...I need to make more money! But dont we all. As my mother says "the more we make the more we spend" its a vicious cycle. So as I sit here typing this I have piece of mind that my cell phone was paid yesterday, but my next due date for the rest of the bill (which is over 500bucks) is due tomorrow or going to be late. My car insurance has been paid but of course that next due date is next week and then IT will be late. I just took my car payment $ to pay for repairs on my car that had to happen otherwise no vehicle to get back and forth the 2 jobs that i have, which when combined are about $1,600 a month. To some this is a lot of money, but to most others its pocket change. Which brings me to my problem that I am sick over, and think about daily. I have to leave my preschool, and go full time at the sleep lab. I love the kids, I love my partner, and most of all I love what I do! Unfortunately due to reasons I can rant about later, our number of enrollment has declined to less than half of what it was 3 years ago and even working part time with the lab doesnt cover my bills. I dont want to leave the school and even more...I dont want to go full time at the lab. I used to work there full time and that place is CRAZY! the manager has multiple personalities, and her bosses are slightly shady. She and I butt heads years ago when I worked side by side with her and eventually let her know she was unprofessional, and had no idea to manage the lab properly. So needless to say I had to go. Now years later, I am back working per diem, for decent pay and its hard to walk away from the $. When June comes I have made the decision to return full time at the lab and leave the school and my students behind. I fight with this everyday, I am angry with myself for making the decision, but what other choice do I have?? I have to be able to pay my bills right? Im doing thigs the way that makes most sense, the way where I would make most money, but certainly not the way I want to do it.
what Id like to do is....quit the lab all together, stay at school...so some major marketing and advertising and increase our #'s to where they should be. 20 students in each class. To supplement my income....at the preschool I'd love to get my bartending certificate and work weekends bartending. I know it sounds crazy, but being a bartender is something ive always wanted to try. Maybe not make a career out of it, but def something Id love to say ive done. I know its crazy hours, hard work, and not always fun. But if good enough and well liked I could bring in the $ and have some fun doing it. Its actually something that is on my "bucket list" LOL. We all have bucket lists....and bartending is on mine.
My "bucket list" something that has been lurking around for quite some time now. Ive accomplished some of the things on there but there are still some things i have left to do. I dont think my list is outrageous or anything, most of what i want is very "do"abl. For some reason this list has been bugging me. Im obsessing about it..i feel like i am running out of time to accomplish these things. Im prettty young still, but im also realizing life can be very short. At any given moment it could be my time and I dont want to leave regretting anything. So this list has been pulling me in a couple of different directions. Currently I live with my parents, this is not something I am at all proud of. How pathetic am I? 37 years old and live with mommy and daddy. I feel like I just never grew up!! Before I moved back home, I was already stripped of my confidence, no self esteem, and had a negative attitude. Now, living there it hasnt gotten much better. I feel lazy, irrisponsible, unorganized, and more like a child than ever before. I need to make some changes and start to feel better about my life. So one more thing added to the "bucket list....move out and live on my own. Now back to the whole, need to make more money! See why I have to take the job I hate??? I know I have to sacrifice something to gain something else. I've always wanted to be my own boss, and currently I am. I can take that off my list. since leaving my husband I found out that I really want to be independent. I want more than anything to live on my own as a grown ass woman! So its time to end one accomplishment and move onto the next. I wasnt sure how or when id be able to move out on my own, and to be completely honest I wasnt rushing into it. However, for several reasons...this needs to happen now more than ever.
Living at home with mom and dad i feel like I am intruding on their space. For years they lived alone, all their girls grew up and moved out. And now, here I am back in their space. I dont call it home, I call it what it is. "mom and dads". I wont eat or dink anything unless i've bought it, I dont sit and watch TV in the living room cuz I feel like its their space and they are used to it being just them. I am greatful for being aloud to live there i cant take over too. besides i dont like what they watch. when i am home i pretty much sit in my room, or sleep. i hate it. i dont have a computer, i dont have a tv in my room, so its whatever i can occupy myself with. a book, games on my phone, or sleeping. sometimes, when my son is out with friends Ill sit in his room and watch tv and crochet, or play on his computer and this is the closest to feeling like home as i can get. Having my own appartment will do so much for me than just feeling independent. I ll have my own private space, decorate it the way i please, have a sitting room with a tv to watch whatever i choose to watch, a bathroom i dont have to share, a kitchen to stock with the foods and drinks that i like, and cook the meals that i want to cook if i choose to do so. I had all this when i was with my husband, and let me tell you how quickly you forget how nice these things are to have. We didnt have much but what we had was ours, and I could do what i wanted there and didnt worry about getting in anyone elses space. liveing with mom and dad is very uncomfortable not to mention not very private at all. before my son came to live with us, i would go out on a friday or saturday night. Maybe for a girls night and occasionally on a date. Can i tell you how embarassing it is when you get a call from your mom at 1 in the morning yelling at you cuz you are not home yet??? OMG! its awful. She and I have had many arguments over it. Although, as a mom i do understand the worry....of where your child is at 1am. But i am 37 years old...for the love of god I think its ok if i decide to come home at 3 am. Another reason why I need my own place, I've met someone. Now I know what you are thinking...its not about that kind of privacy. He has his own place so we can go there to get it on. But he is getting rather close and has talked a bit about moving in together. At first this was very exciting, but recently it has been bothering me and scaring me. Im not sure that 5 months into a relationship after just getting out of a 17 year marraige that i want to jump into living with someone. not to mention that if i did that,,,,i wouldnt be able to cross living on my own off my "bucket list". I feel very strongly about doing this living on my own thing and if I dont, well i do believe i will regret it, and possibly even hold it agianst him. so we have talked about it and he supports my wantting to live on my own, and is very understanding. i think this will be very good for me. I just wish i could do it before my son graduates and goes into the airforce. id love to show him that his mother is capable to being an adult and doing it all on my own. i feel like he sees me as a failure.
Well thats just the tip top of the barrel of things that I have going thru my mind everyday. There is sooo much more. some of these things eat away at me daily and some come and go. each day is a battle for my attention for something that needs tending too or needs to happen. Now, I feel slightly better. The little bit of free time that I had in my day today I have decided to use for this blog, and for my personal therapy. Other things I had on my list to do were, retail therapy (but im broke), going to panera for lunch and sitting alone while I work on an interview sheet i need for research I am doing for a book im trying to write, work on some preschool art projects that are coming up, or shop for things we needs at the school to do art projects. I am happy with my choice today, cant we just add like 4 more hours to our day? 28 hours in a day would work so much better for me...LOL So now its about wrapping a few loose ends here in the classroom, figuring something out for a quick lunch, picking my son up at school and bringing him home, then off to the sleep lab til 8 tonight. After work I will head over the boyfriends house to spend time with him and then by 10 head home so I can get to bed for 11 for a few hours of sleep before i start all over again tomorrow morning at 5AM.
If you've read I hope you enjoyed. My goal is to blog at least 3 times a week. Each time may be of different things or a continue off this one. It all depends on who I am that day. And today I am lost, confused, scared, and slightly sad, but know deep down that there is hope and my dreams will come true.
I am a co-owner of a preschool that after this school year ends I am sad to say I will have to dissolve my portion of the ownership. I am a sleep technician/secretary for a sleep lab that seems to be going down hill fast. I am a single mom of an 18 year old boy, who keeps me going every day. I am one of 3 daughters to my parents, a sister, a friend, and a girlfriend....blah ba blah ba blah. Since my husband and I have split he has become someone I never thought he'd be. He illegally dropped my health insurance that he didnt have to pay any extra for thru his employment, he has changed the name of the primary payer on several bills from his name to mine and refused to pay them. Its over a year later and Im just finding this out now! He neglected to be the proper dad and when my son decided to continue living with him to stay closer to his friends and in the same school district, he allowed him to come and go as he pleased and never set a curfew on school nights. They eventually had a physical altercation and I had my son come live with me. Since then he stopped paying child support, quit his job and moved out of the state. Because he left his job he lost his health insurance, which for me is one thing but for his son is quite another. He left a shit load of a mess for me to clean and still chooses to be a crappy dad. but whatever, because Im kinda at fault here. I should have gone to family court and started the process of either a legal separation or better yet a divorce. The only thing slowing me down is that I am so damn broke that I cannot afford to pay the legal fees to do this, and of course he didnt want to split up to begin with so he wont pay. ok he so in the past i have moved on and just want to deal with life as it comes at me so enough of the ex.
my current issue is probably one that most people face right now. i am financially drowning! i was never in a situation where i had to be responsible for my finances and now find myself lost. I am horrible at managing my finances! i will be the first to admit it too. Of course it doesnt help that the money going out is more than the money coming in so im always robbing from peter to pay paul. "save money for the future" people tell me. Ha Ha Ha! How do you save if you cant even keep up with whats currently due??? Its as simple as ...I need to make more money! But dont we all. As my mother says "the more we make the more we spend" its a vicious cycle. So as I sit here typing this I have piece of mind that my cell phone was paid yesterday, but my next due date for the rest of the bill (which is over 500bucks) is due tomorrow or going to be late. My car insurance has been paid but of course that next due date is next week and then IT will be late. I just took my car payment $ to pay for repairs on my car that had to happen otherwise no vehicle to get back and forth the 2 jobs that i have, which when combined are about $1,600 a month. To some this is a lot of money, but to most others its pocket change. Which brings me to my problem that I am sick over, and think about daily. I have to leave my preschool, and go full time at the sleep lab. I love the kids, I love my partner, and most of all I love what I do! Unfortunately due to reasons I can rant about later, our number of enrollment has declined to less than half of what it was 3 years ago and even working part time with the lab doesnt cover my bills. I dont want to leave the school and even more...I dont want to go full time at the lab. I used to work there full time and that place is CRAZY! the manager has multiple personalities, and her bosses are slightly shady. She and I butt heads years ago when I worked side by side with her and eventually let her know she was unprofessional, and had no idea to manage the lab properly. So needless to say I had to go. Now years later, I am back working per diem, for decent pay and its hard to walk away from the $. When June comes I have made the decision to return full time at the lab and leave the school and my students behind. I fight with this everyday, I am angry with myself for making the decision, but what other choice do I have?? I have to be able to pay my bills right? Im doing thigs the way that makes most sense, the way where I would make most money, but certainly not the way I want to do it.
what Id like to do is....quit the lab all together, stay at school...so some major marketing and advertising and increase our #'s to where they should be. 20 students in each class. To supplement my income....at the preschool I'd love to get my bartending certificate and work weekends bartending. I know it sounds crazy, but being a bartender is something ive always wanted to try. Maybe not make a career out of it, but def something Id love to say ive done. I know its crazy hours, hard work, and not always fun. But if good enough and well liked I could bring in the $ and have some fun doing it. Its actually something that is on my "bucket list" LOL. We all have bucket lists....and bartending is on mine.
My "bucket list" something that has been lurking around for quite some time now. Ive accomplished some of the things on there but there are still some things i have left to do. I dont think my list is outrageous or anything, most of what i want is very "do"abl. For some reason this list has been bugging me. Im obsessing about it..i feel like i am running out of time to accomplish these things. Im prettty young still, but im also realizing life can be very short. At any given moment it could be my time and I dont want to leave regretting anything. So this list has been pulling me in a couple of different directions. Currently I live with my parents, this is not something I am at all proud of. How pathetic am I? 37 years old and live with mommy and daddy. I feel like I just never grew up!! Before I moved back home, I was already stripped of my confidence, no self esteem, and had a negative attitude. Now, living there it hasnt gotten much better. I feel lazy, irrisponsible, unorganized, and more like a child than ever before. I need to make some changes and start to feel better about my life. So one more thing added to the "bucket list....move out and live on my own. Now back to the whole, need to make more money! See why I have to take the job I hate??? I know I have to sacrifice something to gain something else. I've always wanted to be my own boss, and currently I am. I can take that off my list. since leaving my husband I found out that I really want to be independent. I want more than anything to live on my own as a grown ass woman! So its time to end one accomplishment and move onto the next. I wasnt sure how or when id be able to move out on my own, and to be completely honest I wasnt rushing into it. However, for several reasons...this needs to happen now more than ever.
Living at home with mom and dad i feel like I am intruding on their space. For years they lived alone, all their girls grew up and moved out. And now, here I am back in their space. I dont call it home, I call it what it is. "mom and dads". I wont eat or dink anything unless i've bought it, I dont sit and watch TV in the living room cuz I feel like its their space and they are used to it being just them. I am greatful for being aloud to live there i cant take over too. besides i dont like what they watch. when i am home i pretty much sit in my room, or sleep. i hate it. i dont have a computer, i dont have a tv in my room, so its whatever i can occupy myself with. a book, games on my phone, or sleeping. sometimes, when my son is out with friends Ill sit in his room and watch tv and crochet, or play on his computer and this is the closest to feeling like home as i can get. Having my own appartment will do so much for me than just feeling independent. I ll have my own private space, decorate it the way i please, have a sitting room with a tv to watch whatever i choose to watch, a bathroom i dont have to share, a kitchen to stock with the foods and drinks that i like, and cook the meals that i want to cook if i choose to do so. I had all this when i was with my husband, and let me tell you how quickly you forget how nice these things are to have. We didnt have much but what we had was ours, and I could do what i wanted there and didnt worry about getting in anyone elses space. liveing with mom and dad is very uncomfortable not to mention not very private at all. before my son came to live with us, i would go out on a friday or saturday night. Maybe for a girls night and occasionally on a date. Can i tell you how embarassing it is when you get a call from your mom at 1 in the morning yelling at you cuz you are not home yet??? OMG! its awful. She and I have had many arguments over it. Although, as a mom i do understand the worry....of where your child is at 1am. But i am 37 years old...for the love of god I think its ok if i decide to come home at 3 am. Another reason why I need my own place, I've met someone. Now I know what you are thinking...its not about that kind of privacy. He has his own place so we can go there to get it on. But he is getting rather close and has talked a bit about moving in together. At first this was very exciting, but recently it has been bothering me and scaring me. Im not sure that 5 months into a relationship after just getting out of a 17 year marraige that i want to jump into living with someone. not to mention that if i did that,,,,i wouldnt be able to cross living on my own off my "bucket list". I feel very strongly about doing this living on my own thing and if I dont, well i do believe i will regret it, and possibly even hold it agianst him. so we have talked about it and he supports my wantting to live on my own, and is very understanding. i think this will be very good for me. I just wish i could do it before my son graduates and goes into the airforce. id love to show him that his mother is capable to being an adult and doing it all on my own. i feel like he sees me as a failure.
Well thats just the tip top of the barrel of things that I have going thru my mind everyday. There is sooo much more. some of these things eat away at me daily and some come and go. each day is a battle for my attention for something that needs tending too or needs to happen. Now, I feel slightly better. The little bit of free time that I had in my day today I have decided to use for this blog, and for my personal therapy. Other things I had on my list to do were, retail therapy (but im broke), going to panera for lunch and sitting alone while I work on an interview sheet i need for research I am doing for a book im trying to write, work on some preschool art projects that are coming up, or shop for things we needs at the school to do art projects. I am happy with my choice today, cant we just add like 4 more hours to our day? 28 hours in a day would work so much better for me...LOL So now its about wrapping a few loose ends here in the classroom, figuring something out for a quick lunch, picking my son up at school and bringing him home, then off to the sleep lab til 8 tonight. After work I will head over the boyfriends house to spend time with him and then by 10 head home so I can get to bed for 11 for a few hours of sleep before i start all over again tomorrow morning at 5AM.
If you've read I hope you enjoyed. My goal is to blog at least 3 times a week. Each time may be of different things or a continue off this one. It all depends on who I am that day. And today I am lost, confused, scared, and slightly sad, but know deep down that there is hope and my dreams will come true.
